IF YOU ARE TRYING TO LOSE ME, IT’S WORKING

Why is it ok for someone to expect a different reaction to their action for the same level of hurt?  In my current relationship, I hurt him and “space” is needed for however long.  In his mind, space = him being single or letting others perceive he is.  When he hurts me, he needs forgiveness and resolution almost immediately.  So, who is the dummy in this scenario, ME!  Why is it ok for me to suffer longer for resolution?  The answer is, it’s NOT!

I am starting to realize, as I give him the “space” he asked for, all of the past discrepancies I missed because I just wanted to be loved.  I think about how many times I immediately gave in, the apologies I made that didn’t get an apology in return and self sacrifice of my boundaries and worth, just to get back to happy.  Sometimes “space” in a relationship is helpful.  We get fed up or overwhelmed with how our partner is or acts sometimes.  We need to reflect if that is something we can live with going forward.  In my case and with my personality, I need to talk it out and resolve to move forward.  I have given this so much space this time it is now “distance”.  The further away I feel from you, the more closed off I get until there is no coming back.  

I have now been in this “space” purgatory for over two weeks.  Small texts (I have initiated), one outing (I initiated) and one phone call (he initiated to determine the place for our outing), it’s torture for someone like me.  My immediate response is “EF THIS!” I am out.  Only because we have invested 8 months and professed undying love to each other do I let this continue.  The question is WHY??  Why would I continue in this cycle with him that is self destructing?  It’s time for me to stand my ground and get back to loving myself alone.  I tried to be the loving devoted partner but I think I have done that enough.  Back to being savage.

The Spiral of Self Doubt is REAL

There are two areas of life I struggle with most when it comes to confidence.  Work and Relationships.  I used to be confident at work until I became the “older one” in the group of professionals.  Somehow, time, technology, and generations passed without my approval!  I thought I was doing my best staying up to date with it all.  Now, I feel like I am running a hundred miles an hour to stay a million miles behind. 

In relationships, I used to be “the one” that was needed and wanted more than anything on this earth.  Now I am experiencing, in all types of relationships, I am disposable at anytime for any reason.  When did caring and loving for someone stop meaning something?  Isn’t that what people need to live their best?  All the sudden, I can just be another chapter in someone’s book that they got tired of reading.  That shakes me to the core! And for someone that has as much anxiety as I do, it doesn’t bode well for sleep on a day to day basis. #melatoninisn’tcuttingit

Both areas send me into a spiral of doubting my worth.  WHY?  I wish I knew what changed in my mind set and when.  I try positive thinking, loving myself, “knowing my worth”, and all the right things.  BUT, I am still human, with emotions and a desire to feel loved.  How does one rebuild confidence and restore their inner bad@ss when their resilience is fading or busy spiraling in the what if’s?

Lot of questions there to unpack.  I need the strength to continue with the right way to process and resolve or just go savage, “do me” without regret.